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  • I want to write…

    However, I’m unsure of what to type. There’s something indefinite within me that’s asking to be poured down into words. I’m trying to identify it, but can’t seem to do so. This bubbling feeling has been rising since yesterday, demanding me to write. What is my subconscious trying to say? What is this feeling, which is compelling me to write about the unknown?
    I want to write.
    I want to write.
    I want to write.
    It plays repeatedly through my mind.

    I feel something. I’m unsure of what it is. This phrase keeps playing repeatedly in my head. It’s dancing around. I can feel it. I’m writing away, unsure of what to write. This compulsion to submit to my mind, pouring everything out… But why? Is it my subconscious mind forcing me to come to a conclusion about something? Why do I feel the need to write?
    I am unsure. Never before have I felt an urge so strong.
    I truly feel it bubbling. When I think about this urge, it’s almost freeing, bubbling with joy? Excitement? Almost like my heart is fluttering. It’s weird.
    To be honest, I never liked writing. But am I finding joy through words?
    This is quite fun.
    Playing with words. I like it.
    I don’t want to go on and on.

    Did anyone feel this way towards something?
    Does anyone relate to this sensation? What did you conclude if you’ve been through something similar?

  • Crippled

    Muffled voices.
    Zoned out.
    I feel it rising.
    I’m processing.
    This lingering feeling creeping up.
    Crippling. Drowning.
    Screaming to be heard and seen.

    Never been in a financial disarray prior to this.
    I’ve lived independently for many years, but it I’m currently obligated to help others.
    It didn’t cross my mind how crippling it feels when you go through financial instability. Actually, it didn’t cross my mind how crippling it is to go through financial instability due to others lack of financial management. Am I making any sense?
    To better word it, due to others’ mismanagement to their own finances and career path, I am put in a situation where I feel like I’m being dragged underwater. It feels almost suffocating. It’s not coming from one party, but from multiple people.
    I’m trying to be understanding of their situation and empathetic, but it still feels like they’ll eternally remain in this situation, and as soon as I offer a helping hand they’ll latch on and mooch off.
    This numbness is creeping up. Crippling? Yes. I want to help, but I’m frozen. I’m suffocating. I’m drowning.
    A sensation I’ve felt many years ago is slowly rising. It wants to be heard and seen. It will soon latch on if I don’t do something. I’m scared it will awaken my darkest demons.
    Stuck between obligation and despair. Slowly being crushed.
    Desperately trying to find room to breathe.
    Everyone is suffocating and I’ll slowly go down with them.
    Everyone is trying to breathe.
    Each person is unable to help another.

  • What is it?

    What is it?
    What do I want?
    Numbness and indecisiveness.
    I’ll let it all go.

    I may have felt a spark regarding something work related a few days ago… But towards him… I lost all feelings (or so it seemsI personally don’t know). I reminisce over our late night convos. There has always been something missing as our relationship progressed. Every argument made me grow more distant and my guard instantly went back up. I did develop feelings over time, but I also became more numb. Increasingly so, in parallel to our constant arguments. It was easier that way (to numb myself), but it isn’t fair for neither of us. Despite it being a LDR, there were times it felt real and there were times it didn’t. He’s persistent (which at time’s I liked), but sometimes it would feel like this is all a lie. Was it because I couldn’t extract some of physical attributes digitally from him?? Was it because he never had me hear the sound of his voice? Is this LDR even real? Am I wrong for being skeptical about the relationship? Is he using me?
    I just can’t seem to pinpoint where it all went wrong. Did it start too soon? Was it a mistake? What is it? Should I have asked for more? What is it?
    I can’t seem to understand. Am I the one who wronged this relationship or was it him? Or was it the both of us? What is it? Is it a scam? Is it real? Is it because we are two oceans apart? Two completely different people – from race, religion and to lifestyle.
    Why did I grow distant? I may be avoidant, but I feel like I haven’t gotten enough. I haven’t gotten enough of him and from him. Enough to transform him (in my mind) from an image to reality. Something at least tangible. Something to prove to me he’s real.
    But again, has he been honest? I can’t decide. I’m letting it all go. Becoming numb. It’s easier that way. I don’t have to stress or think. Everything seems impossible.
    It’s unfair of him to constantly reach out telling me he misses me, when he clearly won’t budge on certain things. But I, on the other hand, have given him more than I should have.
    Here I am left, really confused.
    For days…
    What is it?
    Do I want him? Do I not?
    Does he want me? or is he using me?
    Is this real? or is this a scam?
    Will there ever be hope for this to progress?
    Why isn’t he letting go?
    What must I do? Should I hurt him and ignore him?
    What is it? Which is it??

    p.s. I may delete this post later. I’ve decided to express my confusion. Usually I’m a very rational person, but this constant back and forth confuses me and has left me immobilized for days. Unknowing how to feel. No number of google searches have given me a satisfying response. I’m just left even more confused than before. Pretty sure everything I’ve written is vague and may not be comprehensible. There’s so much I want to write, as this situation has more to it than just this... I’ve written this on a span of days, as the first draft was just a mingle-mangle of incomprehensible thoughts.. I tried to straighten a few thoughts out, re-structuring the sequence of the sentences. I won’t go back to fixing it again as I want it to be as raw as possible.

  • A Spark

    A notification.
    An offer.
    A call.
    A new beginning.

    You might want to go over my previous posts, to get a sense of how I was feeling before I wrote this one.
    Finally. I finally feel a growing sense of excitement. A step closer to where I hope to be. I think I’ve found the place I’m excited to grow in.
    I opened the app, only to receive a notification. It was an offer.
    I got the call and arranged for a meeting. It went so well. It was the first time I was calm as I spoke. The concept they are building felt like looking at something so special, unique and rare. To be part of the next big thing. To play an integral role in the growth and expansion of this unique concept within the country. I finally found a purpose again – putting my expertise to use, with a much larger room for learning. I think I’m happy.
    Is it joy?
    Those words my friend said had me feel so much warmth. “Last week you told me you wanted to feel something again. I haven’t heard you this excited about an offer since 2018. This might be it. Your calling.”
    I want to share this spark; this fine light of growing hope. I want to convey it to so many people, as I’d want everyone to experience this warmth.
    I’m not sure if it truly is for me, but if it’s meant for me… I’m excited!

  • Ungrounded

    Sitting there, everything seems unreal.
    It looks like it’s from a movie.
    Almost like I’m floating.
    Nothing matters. This is all a lie.
    No longer caring about the all the seemingly wrong things. Yet still ignorant about the right things.
    Can I ground myself again?
    Will I find it?

    As I sit in this meeting, everything around me seems unreal. The people. The discussion. Life. It feels like I’m watching a movie. What is important? I don’t know. Stuck in this cycle for the past few months, not knowing what my life’s purpose is. Or maybe I subconsciously do? I’m too scared to take any step forward, or any step that’s unfamiliar. Stuck in this cycle of what’s normal. Stuck in this cycle of not understanding my existence. Stuck in this cycle of indecision. My gut is telling me to make a rash irrational decision, but what’s holding me back is this “monetary confinement.” Modern enslavement. Invisible shackles. The cycle of being tied to a monthly paycheck. As young as we are, is it worth spending years of our lives watching our day goes by as we spend it doing the same thing everyday? Watching as our physical health is affected by our mental health, aging much quicker than we should?
    It’s no longer important. None of it is. This career I dreamed of having no longer excites me. The obstacles I face, it no longer challenges me. Does it all matter? No. Not anymore. Slowly, things start to seem unreal.
    I am… Unfeeling. Uncaring.
    Grateful? I am. But it no longer matters.
    What’s missing?? What do I lack? Where do I go? What do I do??

  • Decoding

    Shedding away all my layers.
    Digging deeper than before.
    Trying to crack this code.
    Slowly releasing.
    Gaining more clarity.
    Yet it’s coiled…

    I can no longer tolerate my impulsive behavior. Retaliating and reacting hastily, unable to manage my emotions. It’s not fair for me neither is it fair for others. It’s time to crack the code. My code. Evaluate each situation and my reasons behind many of my reactions and outbursts. Being able to maintain my composure will be the next step in my growth journey. Gaining back control… That is what I want, and that is what I hope to achieve. No longer allowing my triggers to steer my wheel.

  • Drowning

    I feel them drowning me… It’s cold and I’m numb.

    It feels like I’ve been given false hope. I just got off the phone, and I could feel my body turning cold. It feels like the water levels are rising, and they’re about to push me down further. For the first time in a while, my mind went blank and the sirens were ringing quite loud. One thought: I feel them drowning me.
    How do I escape?

  • Independence

    Driven by independence.
    Or, is it driven to independence?
    Is there some sense of power in being independent?
    Once upon a time, it did. But now? I hope to take a break.

    I ran by the ideology that a woman’s strength is in being independent. I loved being independent, as it meant I won’t ever need anyone or be confined to any kind of commitment (from familial obligations to an emotional connection). I went from driven to independence to driven by independence. The difference? I was forced to tend to my own needs. I needed safety, and the only option was to become a strong and independent woman (mainly financially). It then became a norm. My norm. I found comfort in independence, but I was also living in overdrive. I started to burn out, and I started losing sense of who I was. My identity revolved around work and others. It was always, “I can do it myself.” But till when? It no longer feels natural. I can’t keep this mask on any longer. As much as I want to become successful and more financially independent, I am also seeking a breather. I can’t find anyone to lean on… Just for a while. I constantly push others away because “I don’t need them.” Independence is no longer giving me power.. It’s rather beating me down…

    What about you? How does this make you feel?
    What is your experience?

  • Confusion

    I don’t understand.
    I no longer understand.
    I can’t see a silver lining.
    Not knowing what to do.
    What’s the purpose of my existence?
    All I can think about is the ocean.
    Merging with every wave.
    Releasing all that is on my shoulders. 
    The responsibility of purely existing. 
    The responsibility of carrying this name.
    The responsibility of having people around.
    The responsibility of maintaining a routine. 
    Take it all away. 

    Desperation to start anew. 

    I don’t know how I feel. I’m currently very confused and I can’t seem to understand what I’m feeling. This feeling of discomfort is very unfitting. As I have always been able to find comfort in new situations, but ever since I’ve started this new phase in my life, I am no longer the same. No longer finding solace in new situations. This spark that I had and hunger for new challenges has fully diminished to a point I can no longer recognize myself. I’m just tired. Exhausted. I can’t seem to find a way out. I thought this new beginning would be a way out, or maybe a way back in (into finding and unleashing my truest self). I no longer want any of it. I don’t want any title. I do not want any crumbs of power, strength or challenges. I simply want to find joy. I try to be appreciative of so many things, but I can’t seem to find a way to. It feels like I’m mumbling lies of gratitude. It’s on me. How do I pull myself out of this ditch? I want to be genuinely positive. Some days I pass by the beach and stare at the subtle waves. I look, hoping it cleanses me of this negativity, this burden of (maybe momentary) unhappiness. I want it all gone. I want to start fresh. But… Can I start fresh if I don’t face any of the underlying truths I’ve been avoiding for almost a decade? How do I do it? I wonder.

  • A Passing Thought

    Sometimes I daydream about disappearing.

    It’s just one sentence, but the power this thought has over me… It’s a thought which passes through my mind occasionally. Sometimes it’s more aggressive than passive. Looking at it saddens me. I remember my innocent child-self. Being conscious of it makes me realize there’s so much to work on and learn. I’m afraid it’ll one day have power over me. It passes by more often when I face multiple stressors in life (from many different situations), however, it showers me with calmness (or is it numbness?) as I’m facing them. I usually associate it with the ocean. Looking at the waves, hoping it cleanses me from everything, sometimes even my existence. Consciously, it’s wrong, but at certain times it makes everything okay. Even if it were just for a second.

    Unfortunately, whenever I mentioned this passing thought to others, it would throw them off. To them, they’re seeing a completely new side to me. They don’t know if it is my truth or my dark humor (I mean, there is always some truth to dark humor).

    Today, I thought I’d release this thought on this blog. Consciously, I want to tell those who resonate with it, it’s okay. Acknowledge such thoughts, but never consciously accept it. You’re not alone. Remember not to focus on this moment, as it too shall pass. Just as many moments prior have passed. Never allow a thought to have power over you. You are NOT your thoughts. It’s a battle and it can get exhausting. The battle of us against our minds and thoughts. Let it all pass. Remember, it’s just a passing thought. That’s about as much attention as it should get.